Hmm, first blog... kinda awkward talking to myself.

I'm only doing this to get it off of my chest. *sigh* I don't know why I stay in this relationship. I feel like I love him, I really do, but I can't help but feel like I'm wasting my time. My partner and I have been together for what seems like eternity but I'm starting to feel like I'm just with him because we've been through so much shit and been together for so long. On the other hand, I knew I felt different about him when I first met him. Hanging out playing pool with a bunch of us and next thing I know I'm thinking bout him for the next  2 weeks with know way to contact him. I couldn't stop talking about him, everything from his eyes, his smile, they way he opens his eyes really wide when he laughs like every joke is a surprise. Everything about spending that short time with him made me fall head over heels.

When finally we did get together everything seemed like a fairy tale. He was so amazing! He was just about everything I ever wanted! Tall, dark, handsome, charming and funny, not to mention the bedroom :-P. He made me feel like I was worth the world. He made me feel like his own. Every txt, every call, every poke on facebook, everything would make me smile, everything would give me butterflies! I genuinely felt like I could be with him forever.

Now. Now I don't know what I feel. I love him but I need some trust, I need him to show me that he still cares about me. I can't believe that I can't leave my phone sitting on the kitchen counter without him going through it. It's not like I've done anything to hide but at the same time I'm like for fuck sake! If you still believe that I'm going to play up after all the bull shit then I guess we shouldn't be together. I just want what we had. I don't want to put up with the jealousy, I don't want to put up with constantly being insulted.

*sigh* As I'm sitting here I don't even know what it is that he's doing wrong. Maybe it's not him, maybe it's me. I honestly don't know anymore. I just know it's not the same.

FML
xxx